Spiritual Reflection on Personal Growth and Divine Guidance

Date: August 14, 2025
Participants: Gary Sheng, Anastasia Kalinina
Location: Remote call
Duration: ~45 minutes
Context: Intimate spiritual dialogue covering Gary's post-Alpha transition, divine guidance practices, addiction recovery, and mutual spiritual growth experiences

Executive Summary

This profound conversation captures Gary Sheng in a period of intentional slowing down and spiritual reflection following his departure from Alpha Schools in late August 2025. Anastasia Kalinina shares powerful spiritual practices around two-way prayer and divine listening, while both participants explore themes of divine will versus personal will, the importance of rest and reflection, and their journeys away from various addictions and unhealthy patterns. The conversation reveals Gary's growing spiritual maturity and Anastasia's role as both spiritual friend and guide during this transitional period.

Key Themes and Discussions

Gary's Spiritual Growth and Self-Reflection

Post-Alpha Transition and Spiritual Maturity:

"It's funny because sometimes even hesitate to talk about it because I have such an almost trauma around expressing authentically, but I've just been getting closer to God. That's probably the..."

Distinguishing God's Will from Personal Will:

"What does God call us all to do? What is God's will in general? Grappling with that concept. And to what extent. How is it easy to maybe confuse what God's will is with my own will?"

Learning from Leadership Failures:

"I was pretty zealous and blind. To what I felt like I could do there. I had not that much leverage. And a lot of good ideas. I thought good ideas. But overall it was a good experience. Because it taught me a lot about leadership."

Key Spiritual Development Patterns:

• Authentic Expression Trauma: Difficulty sharing spiritual growth openly
• Divine Will Discernment: Learning to distinguish personal desires from divine calling
• Leadership Humility: Recognizing limitations and growth areas from recent experiences
• Zealousness Recognition: Understanding how enthusiasm can mask spiritual blindness

Two-Way Prayer Practice Introduction

Anastasia's Powerful Teaching on Divine Communication:

"I don't know if you've ever heard of the two sided prayer. The two way prayer... usually the way we pray, we would just burst in a monologue. And the gut would listen. And what has been shared with me lately is this practice, that school, the two sides. Two way prayer."

Practical Method for Divine Listening:

"When you actually sit down, go quiet, let go of all thoughts in your head. And you ask the gods to speak to you. And you ask for guidance... And then you listen. Deeply, and it's best if you grab a piece of paper and without involving your mind, you just write down everything."

Divine Response Discernment:

"You check on three things. The sincerity. The honesty, the love... And then you see, you kind of, like, sort your own thoughts. From the God's will. And then importantly, you ask the God. What? They want you to do. And then you have to do it."

Two-Way Prayer Framework:

• Quiet Receptivity: Moving beyond monologue to listening prayer
• Unfiltered Writing: Recording everything without mental judgment
• Quality Testing: Evaluating responses for sincerity, honesty, and love
• Obedient Action: Following divine guidance even when it doesn't make sense

Power Dynamics and Organizational Dysfunction

Billionaire-Funded Organization Challenges:

"When you have basically. A dictatorship where a billionaire is funding. Everything. Including the organization. Where the person is supposedly a co founder, but the power dynamic is completely off."

Surveillance and Control Systems:

"They forced everyone, and I didn't because I was disobedient. But before everyone to install a surveillance system that I believe it reads everyone's texts. Sees everything on your computer... they call it work smart."

Burnout Culture Critique:

"To what extent have I also judged other people in the past based on. The units of energy biochemically that they are spending in their burnout rate, right? Almost as if burnout is in. Fear is like a virtue."

Organizational Dysfunction Insights:

• Power Imbalance Recognition: Understanding unhealthy dynamics in funded organizations
• Surveillance Resistance: Maintaining personal boundaries against intrusive monitoring
• Virtue Signaling Critique: Questioning cultural celebration of burnout and stress
• Parental Pattern Analysis: Examining inherited attitudes about work and stress

The Scientist Character Study

Financial Success and Moral Consequences:

"He has multiple kids with multiple. Flings. And it was kind of seeing the kids. Interact or not interact with each other... Why it's so important. To people can feel free to make up their own terms of virtue... But, man, it has a real toll when you break covenants of marriage for fidelity, right?"

Pride and Divine Discipline:

"I believe that God gave him multiple heart attacks... I suspect it was because to strike him down for his pridefulness. His idolatry of his own intelligence... The first thing that he said. About why he thought that God struck him down. God gave me more inventions to patent, and that didn't feel. Quite right."

Character Assessment Framework:

• Covenant Breaking Consequences: Real trauma from infidelity and broken families
• Intellectual Idolatry: Pride in intelligence blocking spiritual growth
• Divine Discipline Recognition: Health crises as potential wake-up calls
• Ego-Driven Interpretation: Misunderstanding divine correction as blessing

Personal Transformation and Shadow Work

Attraction to Problematic Leaders:

"I think that I have been lovingly given this opportunity. To reflect on shadows. That allowed me to be attracted to people that have a lot of big shadows... That extreme greed, for example, is not compatible with creating a loving school system."

Spiritual Mirror Principle:

"Always is... Every person who we're interacting with is Sheng us something that we haven't quite accepted in ourselves. And the more it triggers us. The more of it we did not accept in ourselves."

Boundary Development:

"I now have more boundaries. Right... My days are not full of random freaking calls. To fill to avoid silence."

Shadow Work Framework:

• Attraction Pattern Analysis: Understanding why certain personalities appeal
• Projection Recognition: Seeing others as mirrors of unaccepted self-aspects
• Boundary Creation: Learning to protect time and energy
• Silence Comfort: Moving away from busyness as avoidance

Addiction Recovery and Substance Freedom

Gary's Multiple Substance Dependencies:

"Stopped using psychedelics... A lot of things made me a little uncomfortable... It's off. If you are struggling with a lot with your own issues, Right. It's much better when you're a cleaner."

Coffee and Sleep Medication Cycle:

"I was pretty reliant. On coffee. And then sleeping pills. Which is like, I was just like, why does that make any sense? Why would I be paying both directions? To wake me up and go to sleep."

Anastasia's Comprehensive Addiction Recovery:

"I've also cleared because you mentioned addictions have also given up on what you have mentioned. But also drink an alcohol. Smoking cigarettes. Many, many things, really. I don't drink coffee."

Recovery Principles:

• Helper Prerequisite: Need for personal clarity before helping others
• Cyclical Dependency Recognition: Understanding counterproductive substance patterns
• Comprehensive Clearing: Addressing multiple addictive substances simultaneously
• Natural Function Restoration: Returning to body's natural sleep/wake cycles

Monasticism and Mindful Living

Monastery Experience and Digital Detox:

"I've been grateful that I've spent. A monastery the other day. Really broadly recognized that a deviceless or mostly deviceless monastery is basically the opposite of the kind of mindless consumption."

Information Fragmentation Critique:

"That we have today, that is just really what I call fragments of worldviews. Being shot at you. In rapid succession. Where then your brain is? Junkyard of different little one liners."

Quiet Connection Value:

"The quiet and the quiet connection to self and God. Is very welcome."

Contemplative Living Framework:

• Digital Minimalism: Recognizing devices as consumption triggers
• Information Diet: Avoiding fragmented worldview inputs
• Contemplative Space: Prioritizing quiet for divine connection
• Presence Practice: Moving away from rapid-succession stimulation

Divine Timing and Faith Development

Gary's Forced Slowing Down:

"Well, God forced it. I did my last two weeks right at Alpha, the last two weeks of August... I was going to transition to... but now I'm like, God's forcing me to ponder it a lot more."

Complete Faith Requirement:

"It's not about having a little bit of faith. Oh, I'm like one foot in. Toes in... Let me hedge this. Let me have my worldly insurance. Insurance plan where, like, oh, case there isn't a God. Right. God would, like, kind of be annoyed. That you're right. You kind of got to give it your all right earnestly."

Anastasia's Encouragement on Divine Protection:

"That's another sign of that you're always protected. Grounded... And shielded... It always works out. For us. Somehow it always works out for you. Right."

Faith Development Framework:

• Divine Orchestration: Recognizing God's hand in circumstantial changes
• Total Commitment: Moving beyond hedged bets to complete faith
• Historical Evidence: Looking back at patterns of divine provision
• Trust Practice: Learning to rest in divine protection and timing

Anastasia's Current Season and New Opportunities

African Governance Partnership:

"I just partnered with somebody who is very well connected. In africa. So we will be doing amazingly interesting things in Africa. For the future of governance... I think it's such a vast opportunity in the region. To really do things right."

Restate Board Reassembly:

"I'm also kind of, like, reassembling the board of Real estates. Maybe for a fifth time. And this current group is just amazing. We want to do things on regenerative governance and regenerative modalities of living."

Personal Breakthrough and Trust:

"I'm finally kind of like I've released. All of the many of the things that were holding me back. So now I feel like something news about to start... And I've trusted completely."

Professional Development Framework:

• Continental Focus: Major governance work in African context
• Regenerative Approach: Focus on sustainable societal surplus creation
• Board Evolution: Multiple iterations toward optimal team composition
• Trust-Based Leadership: Complete faith-driven approach to opportunities

Anastasia's Wilderness Period and Personal Losses

Father's Death and Grief Processing:

"My dad died this last November. This was very. It was difficult. To the extent that I didn't even realize how difficult it would be... It's a lot of grief and letting go and lots of love."

Business Partnership Dissolution:

"I let go of a business partner. With whom we were very close. And so a lot of my anxieties get revealed in terms of whether I could stand on my own feet."

Relationship Status and Self-Doubt:

"I haven't been in a relationship for the last two years. I'm like, what's wrong with me? So many things. Really? But I've come to peace. With just about everything."

Wilderness Lessons Framework:

• Grief as Growth: Processing loss as spiritual development
• Independence Testing: Learning to trust personal capabilities
• Relationship Patience: Accepting singleness as developmental season
• Peace Through Process: Finding resolution through divine trust

Mutual Spiritual Support and Guidance

Gary's Appreciation for Wisdom:

"So I appreciate this being so kind of obvious to you... But I'm just growing this way."

Anastasia's Spiritual Friendship Offer:

"It's always easier when you see it than others... And if you want to share. What came up. I'm here... Because I think part of that process is that you actually get to share with someone so they could almost, like, help you figure out what you think was the ultimate truth."

Decade of Work Reflection:

"It has been exactly a decade since I started working post college... It really has been like a decade of. In better or worse ways, attempting to do something useful."

Spiritual Friendship Framework:

• External Perspective Value: Others seeing patterns more clearly
• Processing Partnership: Sharing for discernment and clarity
• Life Season Recognition: Marking significant life transitions
• Growth Celebration: Acknowledging progress and learning

Personal Revelations and Vulnerable Sharing

Gary's Zealousness and Insecurity Recognition

Productivity as Security Mechanism:

"I've realized. That my zealousness comes from insecurity. That if I am not always kind of doing something... Or quote, unquote productive, quote unquote... That it'll all fall apart."

Rest as Foreign Concept:

"If I have a week where I'm reading. About God reflecting. Things. That it's not okay to do that. Right. And not just work for a little bit."

Divine Discipline and Character Assessment

Scientist's Pride and Health Consequences:

"I believe that God gave him multiple heart attacks... I suspect it was because to strike him down for his pridefulness. His idolatry of his own intelligence."

Pattern Recognition in Leadership:

"This guy, he fills his schedule with so many random calls. That are not pertinent to the main thing... But the first thing that he said. About why he thought that God struck him down. God gave me more inventions to patent."

Community and Support Network

Faith-Based Friend Network:

"I won't say that I am always. Like a useless figure of speech because it's not a common thing for me. But I've realized... Three different people love God in similar ways... Their own way. Right. So three subsequent friends."

Help Acceptance Learning:

"I honestly, I'll often do struggle to ask for help. Because I don't know where that. All of why that comes from, but I'm enjoying getting help. And seeing people have my back."

Key Quotes and Memorable Exchanges

On Two-Way Prayer:

"The God really does speak to us. If we're willing to listen."

On Divine Will Discernment:

"When you guide it, and you really are deliberate about giving your life to God, Becomes easy."

On Spiritual Growth:

"Everything is a source for you to learn more about yourself. Because at the end, and figuring there are no others, there really are no others."

On Faith and Trust:

"You kind of got to give it your all right earnestly. Jump into the abyss. Completely."

On Divine Timing:

"People and opportunities just kind of appear to lead me somewhere. And I just trust blindly. Into wherever it's taken me."

On Rest and Reflection:

"Maybe it's time for you to rest. I mean, you've been active for the last decade or more. Just restless. Give yourself some rest."

On Spiritual Friendship:

"I just know that you'll be just fine. I think I understand what you're going through, and I've been there. It's actually cool. Try to enjoy it to the extent you can."

Conclusion

This conversation reveals both participants in seasons of significant spiritual maturation, with Gary transitioning from achievement-driven zealousness toward contemplative faith-based living, and Anastasia emerging from her own wilderness period into new opportunities grounded in complete divine trust.

The dialogue demonstrates the power of spiritual friendship in providing both practical guidance (two-way prayer technique) and emotional support during challenging transitions. Anastasia's role as both mentor and fellow traveler offers Gary both instruction and companionship in his journey toward greater spiritual maturity.

Most significantly, the conversation captures the universal spiritual theme of learning to distinguish divine will from personal ambition, and the ongoing challenge of maintaining faith during periods of uncertainty and transition. Both participants model vulnerable sharing, mutual encouragement, and practical spiritual wisdom that supports authentic growth in divine relationship.

The exchange concludes with both individuals committed to continued spiritual practice, mutual support, and trust in divine timing for their respective callings and opportunities. Their friendship exemplifies how authentic spiritual community enables both honest self-examination and charitable guidance during life's most challenging and transformative seasons.